Friday, December 10, 2010

Life happens and sometimes it really sucks

Things have been crazy busy, and I swear I have written this post in my head several times.  I lost a follower today, guess that means I better get on my game.  Two is way more depressing than three.  Thanks to the two of you who are sticking with me. 

I'm not even sure where to begin.  I'm sure it will seem long and drawn out, but maybe if I get it all out, I can find some peace.  I could bullet what's been up, but I think I would leave things out.  I'm just gonna write and then see where it goes. 

Band wise:  In one of my early posts I mentioned that I have had some medical stuff going on, well it came up in August and I had to take some meds that would not fit through my band, my doctor took out 2cc's so I could get my meds down and then the plan was to tighten me back up.  Wow, who knew that 2 cc's would make such a difference.  I was hungry, I mean those little hippos on that game but I was the only player so I got all the marbles.  I was able to eat things that I had not eaten in a year and while I tried really hard to stay in check, it was cool to get to eat things I hadn't had in so long.  At the beginning of November, we (my doc and I) finally got the last of the 2 cc's back in and while I've been able to lose most of what I gained in Aug/Sept, it has been really slow and I'm getting frustrated.  I saw my doc on Wednesday and I opted for no fill.  I maybe could have had a smidgen, but......I think I need to get back to making the right choices and not letting my band do all the work.  I did a lot of that leading up to my wedding and it worked but I don't want to eat the same things every day and always be so tight all I can have is soup and protein shakes, because to me, that isn't realistic.  I explained all of this to my doc, I still can't eat breakfast (I usually have a coffee or a shake) and he seemed to agree that no fill was the way to go for now.  I told him that I had been struggling and the scale is not moving and I'm frustrated.  He suggested going back to the handbook they gave out in the beginning and reading it again, a little at a time and try to put some of those practices back in my daily routine.  I'm also back to using phentermine, which helps me with my desire for snacking and the last couple of days it has really helped.  I also need to get back to working out.  I made it to the gym once this week and it was a good workout and I'm anxious to get back, but that is hard to find motivation for too.  They are opening an branch of our gym closer to us so I am really hoping that is going to help.  I might even post a little something on Facebook, looking for a workout buddy, there is gotta be someone of my friends who want to get moving too.

Work:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....this is funny.  I'm a substitute teacher and this year has been kind of slow, although my aunt has been my saviour.  She coordinates the subs for the school that she works at and it just so happens it's the school that I really wish I could teach in permanently.  So I love being there, the staff are AMAZING and treat me awesome.  I never feel like a sub, always a member of the staff and the kids...where do I begin.  I am meant to be a teacher and I'm not saying that in a "I'm so awesome I need a teacher of the year award" way, I just mean, I know I am meant to be working with kids.  They crack me up, frustrate me and push my limits, but all in the best possible ways.  Needless to say, the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks (all of like three weeks) is very very slow.  So that might be adding to my disarray, not much of a routine.  I'm hoping all of that picks up after the first of the year. *fingers crossed*

Everything in between:  that encompasses alot, I wish I had witty and clever ways of talking about it all, maybe to make the bad stuff not sound so bad, but some of it is and it's been tough.  I'll start with the crap, just to get it out and then finish with good.....

We (my husband and I) have sadly suffered a few losses this last week.  I was in Seattle last weekend (that's part of the good later to come) and I was shopping with my cousin and received a phone call from the hubs.  He had called and left a message, which isn't like him and then had called right back, I knew something was up.  He is from Georgia, his whole family is there, his grandmother, who we call MimMim lives on her own, but the last few years has had a close family friend helping to take care of her.  She has macular degeneration and she has little to no eyesight.  It has been such a blessing for this friend to be taking care of her.  Well Friday evening, he had a sudden heart attack and passed away.  MimMim was the only one with him, she found him, devastating.  Thankfully, Ash's parents were close to where she lives and were able to go be with her and get things going and be there to help her through it.  It's so hard to be far away when things like that happen, and it all happened so fast that we weren't able to be there for the service or anything.  To finish off the week, we discovered today that my sister's dog was killed in a very tragic way earlier this week.  It is a loss that is felt deeply.  We are animal lovers, as is my sister and her and Papa had a bond unlike any I have ever witnessed between human and dog.  They loved one another with all they had and he was truly loved by all of us and will be deeply missed. 

RIP Papa boy, may there be many an endless supply of tennis balls to be destroyed. 
"Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives."

I just looked at the clock, it's late and I have a busy day tomorrow.......I hate to leave on such a sad note, more to come before the weekend is through and I will have good to share.....maybe even some pics. 

Thanks to those of you who read, hope I haven't put too much of a damper on things, but I guess this should be a place I can just put it all out there.

Nightie Night!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Parties, PB's, and Pushing On....

Ahhh, I love to see the scale moving in a downward motion.  It's been a rough couple of days.  The weekend brought many activities and I wasn't being mindful of my restriction, therefore, I found myself in several PB situations and my band no likie....

I have spent Monday and today taking it easy and focusing on liquids, protein shakes, soup, pudding and lots and lots of water.  Tonight I was finally able to eat the dinner I made for Ash, it was delish, I love me some yellow curry!!!

So, I had a situation arise this weekend and I'm wondering if anyone has experienced this and how you have dealt with it.  How do you handle family functions or gatherings where the menu is not band friendly?  We had a celebration this weekend and I was in the predicament of not being able to participate in dinner because part of the meal was not band friendly for me.  I had to go and buy something at the store and it left me feeling a bit frustrated and quite alone.  I don't want to seem selfish, like all our family meals have to revolve around what I can or cannot tolerate, but I just want some guidance on how to handle future situations, so I'm not feeling so left out. 

My birthday is coming this weekend and my Uncle is getting married.  Should be a fun weekend.  We are headed to Spokane on Friday, going to have dinner with some friends and then Saturday and Sunday are wedding festivities.  I'm pretty excited.  It's a small wedding, very close friends and family.  It will be nice to spend time with my family as we are ALL not together that often. 

I sure am enjoying all the blogs on Chicago.  Hopefully you all do another event and I can experience it also.  It sounds like everyone had an AMAZING time.  It's been inspiring to read all the blogs I do and I look forward to following more.

Nightie Night lovelies,   I'm going to finish with a few pictures from the birthday festivities this past weekend.

                                     Ash and I with the Birthday boy and his Corn Whiskey

                                                      Ash and I with my mom and Scott

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Getting back to it

I had a fill today and I finally feel like I'm going to be able to get back on track.  I have recently been having some medical issues and had to have an unfill about a month ago, a whole 2 cc's taken out, couple that with the steroid I was taking and the food that found it's way into my mouth and hello 10 pounds.  UGH!!!  It was amazing to me, before, when I was 330 pounds, I probably could have gained 10 lbs and never really noticed, but this 10 I noticed and momma no likey!!!  My doctor has been slow to add back the 2 cc's and said that the weight gained may be tough to come off because it's due to the steroid.  I have been working out and trying to get back on track food wise, but for that two weeks that I didn't have restriction, it truly was like I had no band and my bad habits came back and they came back with flying colors.  I kind of feel like I have had to start all over again. 

So, going into this morning, I had lost 5 lbs since I was there two weeks ago and doc said I had .5 to get back to where I was prior to the unfill.  Because, lucky for me, it's that time of the month, I was already feeling snug, we decided on only .25 of the .5, and I think it's just fine.  I had a protein shake before my work out and then some soup tonight and can definitely feel the restriction.  I so hope that this gets me back on track. 

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that when I started this journey I weighed in at 331 lbs.  As of my wedding day I weighed 201, making me down 130 lbs.  I'm currently trying to get back to that.  It's been hard, before the wedding, I had a goal, a HUGE end zone.  I wanted to look slammin on my wedding day and I truly felt that way, but then there was a let down and now I'm having trouble coming up with goals.  All part of my process I guess. 

All that being said, I am so happy with my fill and in some ways appreciate the restriction, it's almost welcoming, now I feel like I have to get back on track. I will, I will, I will.....

Good night all.....


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A photo journey....well the start of it...

Below are some before photos, I'm slightly uncomfortable unveiling these pictures, because not many people have seen them, but they are part of my story and my journey so it wouldn't be fair to not post them.  The very last one was from the morning of surgery.

The ones below are from 6-mos post op.

And lastly, these are the most recent, mostly from the wedding, because I haven't done more recent swimsuits photos.

So, that's all for now.  Eventually I will add some of the family, mostly Ash and our four legged babies. 
Until then....

New to the Area

I'm a bit late to this blogging game, I was banded in July of 2009 and words cannot express how much reading other bander's blogs have helped me on this journey so far.  I had toyed with creating my own and my husband kept pushing and pushing.  I have had the thing set up for a while, but was having a hard time coming up with a name and what not.  I still haven't gotten the hang of decorating the background and what not, so any help in that area would be great. 

So, a little history about me.  I grew up here, in the Tri-Cities.  I had a good childhood, my parents divorced when I was young, but luckily for me they remained friends and I haven't ever really experienced the nastiness that divorce can bring.  I absolutely attribute that to my parent's.  They are great.  My mom remarried as did my dad (2 more times).  I have twin older brothers and one younger sister, all from my dad.  I am extremely close to both sets of parents, each in different ways. 

For as long as I can remember, I have been a bigger girl.  I mean, I see pictures of me as a kid and I don't really think I was fat, but definately chubby and I can remember always comparing myself to other girls my age.  I was active, I played soccer, basketball and was on the swim team, but I never hit a point where I grew and thinned out.  I grew, but in all directions.  By high school, I was definately at a point where I was just continuously gaining.  I continued to stay active, but I don't think being really serious about losing weight was all that important to me.  I wasn't some kind of outcast, I had a lot of friends and was very active in things at school.  Never had a boyfriend, but academics and my friends were always more important to me anyways.  I knew different parts of high school may have been different if I were thinner, but I think I definately hid behind my weight, it was just easier that way.

That hiding definately followed me to college.  I moved a few hours away to go to college.  It was my first time away from my family and it was quite an experience.  I had been on so many different diets and food plans in high school and my younger years that once I was on my own, I realized I was in control of those choices instead of my food choices being made for me.  I went a little crazy and ate just about anything I wanted and as much of it as I wanted.  After a few years living on campus, I moved into Spokane, and lived a few different places, moved quite a bit actually.  I continued to balloon and finally decided to try Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time.  I did so great.  I lost like 30 or 40 pounds and was feeling wonderful, the best I had in years.  I finally got a job doing what I went to school for, but it required me moving home, which was fine, but I quickly forgot about me and I took myself off the list.  I gained that 30-40 pounds back and then some.  I was partying alot and making not so good choices.  I met someone, thought I had fallen in love and quickly moved in with him.  It was not what I expected it to be and he left, abruptly and in the worst way imaginable.  Shortly after, I met Ash, my new husband. We dated for 2 1/2 years before I decided to have the band.  I was finally at a point that I wanted to do something about my weight and I wanted to do it for myself, not someone else.  I was working out like crazy with my best friend and trainer, she will from here on be referred to as Megsterini!!  I was on meal plans and doing everything I had been taught for all those years that were supposed to help you lose weight, except I wasn't.

My mom and I were chatting on the phone one afternoon as I was wandering through Wal-Mart.  She was treading lightly around wanting to talk to me about my weight and my struggles as it has often been a sense of contension for us.  She finally just came right out and said that a family friend had had the lapband and thought that it might be a good choice for me.  I laughed and said to her, funny, I had been considering looking in to the band myself.  It was like we were finally on the same page about something.  I attended the informational meeting, with my parents and Ash.  Unfortunately, my insurance wasn't going to pay, but once I decided that I wanted to have the procedure, all of a sudden the money found it's way into my bank account and I was on my way.  Because I was self-pay, my process went quickly and before I knew it, I was recovering from surgery.  I have now been banded for 14 months and have lost 130 pounds.  My initial goal is 150 lbs, but I am sure that once I hit that, I am going to want to continue losing, but at the time of surgery, 150 pounds seemed totally doable.  Now that I am 20 pounds or so away, I completely think that more losing is in my future. 

On a non-weight loss note, Ash proposed to me in December of 2008 and we were married on June 27, 2010.  It was the most perfect day I have experienced so far in my life.  Even though I was not at "goal" weight at the time of the wedding, I felt so incredibly beautiful.  Being banded has been harder than any other weight loss plans I have been on, so anyone who mentions or asks about it being an easy way out, I quickly give them a run-down of my experience, hoping to dissuade those thoughts.  I have good days, bad days, great days and horrible days, but nothing compares to the new freedom I have found.  I finally put myself back on the list and it's a great place to be. 

Here's to many more posting and making of new friends.....banded and unbanded....

I will attempt to post some pics, just have to figure out how to do that....

until next time..